`I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.' Agatha Christie.
I'm halfway through a binge eating session on sweets, having smoked my way through a beautiful 'plant.' I always get the munchies after smoking, so have demolished a massive pizza and packs of sweets galore. I will feel sick in the morning, and moan about putting on weight. Such is the way of a food lover. My weight has been bothering me recently. I'm not big by any means, but I am 2 sizes bigger than I was two years ago and thats a depressing and slipperly slope. I can no longer fit into the little hotpants that I used to rave around in, now they wont even go over my arm. I attempted a bootsale in the summer (stupid stupid idea, as am hoarder of everything) and finally let go of my teeny tiny shorts. I sold them for only £1 each and that was to a 17 or 18 year old girl who said they might be too big for her. Life is cruel.
In my head I have a continuous battle to look better. I hate the image I see in the mirror, but to the outside world no one would guess. I can literally feel the mask of calm and happiness slip on and I slink further and further from my true self, whoever that is. Since I was in my teens I have searched high and low for ways to block out my thoughts, my continuous personal bulling, derived from people who bullied me.
My family have been my one source of constant support and belief and its because of them that I am still here today, learning more and more about how to deal with the world around me. I am lucky, well we all are lucky to be alive,so why do we sometimes resent that so much?
I wish I could walk around and be truly happy, I wouldnt need for much, just at peace with the world. I see myself as a lonely traveller, a bit of a gypsy of the land. But to see me, you wouldnt match that person. I dress in the latest trends, I drink in commercial clubs and bars and I can do a houseparty weekended marathon with a truly amazing collection of drink and drugs. But I crave the peace now. Reconnecting with whats really important in life, being loved and living within my means with people I love. It is following your heart not your head. It is being free and I am trying to get closer to that side of my personality. She comes out every now and again, when the mask slips, but I am her in private and with my kind of partner (more about him another time, it'll take a while, a beautiful while though) I am free to dream, and dream I do.
Goodnight.
xxx
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