“Eat, mates, and drink, and be drunk, brothers and sisters!(Song of Sol. 5:1, Septuagint).
Last night I got drunk on God. Seriously drunk. This in the world I have always lived in, is seemingly impossible. Or so I thought.
A couple of weeks ago I met more believers at a gathering in one of their homes. Again, they prayed for me to allow the affliction of my mind to heal and for me to find happiness. Again, the shaking and crying. Again, the wonderful home and kind happy faces delighted me. Following this, I have had a rough couple of weeks, my medication has kept me betweem a mix of sedation and anger and this hasn't been helped by the weight gain that goes hand in hand with many bipolar medications.
In these low moments, I forgot about my belief in something better, angry almost that I had let myself get carried away with another belief system. But, something in me had changed. These lows were different, they had a lining, a presence that I hadnt been aware of before. The lows were bad, but I almost knew that they wouldn't go any lower, that they were slowly but surely rising from the depths of despair.
I stopped reading the Bible (decided to have a go at it to deepen my understanding) as all I felt was confusion and felt that the challenge a new faith posed to me, was too big a wall to climb. But I was still thirsty. Thirsty for more of that feeling that I felt and also, I felt like because I had acknowledged my love for Jesus, he would understand that some weeks were going to be diffficult for me to pay as much attention as I maybe should.
So, last night I went to my sisters friends house again, a gathering of wonderful people, who my heart has already found a place for, and I felt the presence again. I talked with a man who had turned to God after years of partying and depression and was now at peace with who he was. This man, both looked and talked like one of my many friends, who I would party with on a regular basis. In another circumstance, we could of been downing vodka and getting wrecked! But he made me realise that we chase the elation of illegal substances for our highs, where he has now swapped his for the highs of God. I guess it's cheaper at least.....
By far the most enchanting and inspiring part of the evening, was the music. We sat together as a group in their living room, this young man I met playing a guitar as if from heaven itself, drums, flutes, magical voices all captivated my senses and swept me up into the realm of the truly blissful. I was well and truly off my rocker. I was in love, in awe, in a deeply mesmerised state of being and I could feel love flowing through everyone in the room and through myself. It was intoxicating and highly addictive!! I was drunk! But more than that, I was in love.
When I left and returned home to my boyfriend, I floated through the door and had great pleasure telling him of my adventures. As a total non believer and party animal, my boyfriend took one look at me and advised he too would be coming to the next gathering!
I understand that the love of God is more than just having a great time `getting high', but when you experience this, the thirst for more knowledge and understanding is increased and your faith deepened in your soul. I am a child of God and I am ecstatic about it!
As for the bipolar, today has been wonderful..................
Love always
xxx
