Dealing with the pain

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” Marcus Aurelius


I have been off work now for 4 weeks. I had a breakdown and I am trying, slowly to recover. My mind is a mess and I am unable to deal with my thoughts. At my core, I believe I am a bad person, I search for new ways to beat myself up on a daily basis. I have now started looking at my ex boyfriends facebook page, which has congratulations messages on it as he is going to be a dad, with the girl who took him away from me. It's not that I want him back, I was incredibly unhappy when I was with him and put up with years of his abuse. I beat the girl up when I had found them together, even though we were already over. She didnt deserve it, it shouldn't have happened, but I always thought he'd be mine. Now, I look at her friends who once talked to me and imagine how much they hate me. I torture myself with the idea of how they talk about me, what they would be like if they saw me and how much of a worthless person I am. This all happened 3 years ago, but I still can't get over my attachement to this man and the past that I have come out of. I live in the past, in the pain, in the intense brutality of my beliefs of what people think of me. I am worse bully to myself than anyone will ever be, but I imprint my fears and dislikes of myself onto other people as well. I believe they all hate me, see me as a disgrace and this is the thoughts I feed to myself daily.


I dont know what to do anymore. I sit in a zombied state, watching programmes on TV trying to escape the life I live in, the fear and the pain that is a daily reminder of how much I hate myself. I may not know how other people think of me, but in my head its never good. I was bullied badly in school, by people of all ages, all groups and both sexes. I was told daily of how I was disgusting and learnt quickly that friends didnt always mean trust, love and respect. No one who knows me now, unless they are very close to me know about these years. To them I am loud, confident and outspoken, scared of no one and able to fight my own battles. The biggest battle I need to fight is my own perception of myself, but it seems impossible to do. I cant stand who I am and rocketing between the highs and lows makes it all the harder. Where there is a good day, I know the depression will soon come and I will retreat inside myself to carry on the abuse that others started years ago.


I havent been able to write recently, havent been able to get the strength to write down my thoughts, my hate, my worry. But I need to vent, I'm worried I'm slowly going insane and I hope that unleashing some of my thoughts will help me. Life is a beautiful gift and I know this, but I also find it hard to relish in this joy when I can't bare to be around myself. I need help and I know it needs to come from within. I have to face up to the demons that have held me back for so long. I need to confront the negative thoughts I have in my head daily and learn to let them go, they are only keeping me down. I need most of all, to learn to like myself and give myself as much chance as I give to those around me. Then and only then I may be able to smile from the inside. I live in hope.......

I'm still here........somewhere.

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson

I have been in what my councillor calls the 'planning' stage of my life since I was 14. I write list after list of what I want to do, even down to the apparently helpful small steps of these goals as many a self help book has claimed to make this method productive. However, this does not work for me. It seems I am scared of the action stage. You can already see evidence of this, as it has taken me a further two weeks to write another entry. Not because I havent had time, I have more than enough of this, but because something in me tells me to hold off, to wait till the right moment, the moment that never comes. I lull myself into a false sense of success and motivation by dreaming daily of all I want to achieve and even writing fully detailed lists. But that is how the dreams remain, as lists on piles of paper.

I am moving in on my own in a couple of weeks and I am putting all my eggs into this basket, believing that when I move I will start keeping fit, cooking a la nigella and being a committed blogger, sharing my experiences of what has become my way of coping with life. I am hoping, hoping through to my core that this is true and I will finally have a sanctuary to allow my dreams to become possible. What are they you may ask, well they, the dreams, are constantly changing. I just want to do anything and everything, to truly understand the meaning of living instead of hiding behind drink and drugs and work. It will by no means be easy, but if it stops the continous planning and not actioning then I'm in.

I plan my life detail by detail, the colour that  my new teatowels will be, the organic farm I will order my food from and millions of other little details. My dreams take me away from my reality, a place I have never really felt comfortable in. A place that is full of uncertainty and pain, mainly from the negative voices that echo around my mind. I dont know how to really be, to just look and smell the flowers and be happy with my lot, but I do imagine what that would be like. I crave the peace and tranquility of being happy and at ease with myself.

I will be back again soon. My concentration has waned again and I am craving something sweet to eat. Ahhh, theres always tommorrow to start the diet. Isnt there?

Love always.xxx

Free to Dream.....

`I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.' Agatha Christie.

I'm halfway through a binge eating session on sweets, having smoked my way through a beautiful 'plant.' I always get the munchies after smoking, so have demolished a massive pizza and packs of sweets galore. I will feel sick in the morning, and moan about putting on weight. Such is the way of a food lover. My weight has been bothering me recently. I'm not big by any means, but I am 2 sizes bigger than I was two years ago and thats a  depressing and slipperly slope. I can no longer fit into the little hotpants that I used to rave around in, now they wont even go over my arm. I attempted a bootsale in the summer (stupid stupid idea, as am hoarder of everything) and finally let go of my teeny tiny shorts. I sold them for only £1 each and that was to a 17 or 18 year old girl who said they might be too big for her. Life is cruel. 

In my head I have a continuous battle to look better. I hate the image I see in the mirror, but to the outside world no one would guess. I can literally feel the mask of calm and happiness slip on and I slink further and further from my true self, whoever that is. Since I was in my teens I have searched high and low for ways to block out my thoughts, my continuous personal bulling, derived from people who bullied me.

My family have been my one source of constant support and belief and its because of them that I am still here today, learning more and more about how to deal with the world around me. I am lucky, well we all are lucky to be alive,so why do we sometimes resent that so much?

I wish I could walk around and be truly happy, I wouldnt need for much, just at peace with the world. I see myself as a lonely traveller, a bit of a gypsy of the land. But to see me, you wouldnt match that person. I dress in the latest trends, I drink in commercial clubs and bars and I can do a houseparty weekended marathon with a truly amazing collection of drink and drugs. But I crave the peace now. Reconnecting with whats really important in life, being loved and living within my means with people I love. It  is following your heart not your head. It is being free and I am trying to get closer to that side of my personality. She comes out every now and again, when the mask slips, but I am her in private and with my kind of partner (more about him another time, it'll take a while, a beautiful while though) I am free to dream, and dream I do.

Goodnight.

xxx

Being up, Being down and the Bit inbetween......

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle - Albert Einstein

Somedays I wake up proud to be a part of this world, brimming full of energy, 'a positive step in the right direction,' I think to myself. But soon, the fall will come, the fear, the pain and the need to sink away from my surroundings. I attack myself, then I love myself, I live in fear, then I live in hope. My battle is a personal one, but in science, they call it Bipolar. This is me, my journey, being up, being down and the bit inbetween.

This blog is an aid to my life, it is a place to come to let my thoughts have an outlet. I want this to be freeflowing like my mind, no particular order as I cant seem to focus long enough to make this methodical. It will be me, through every experience and the thoughts I feel when I'm living my life.

I'm 24 and have been dealing with Bipolar and depression since I was 14. My councellors and doctors had mentioned that my symptoms were that of a bipolar person, but about a month ago, a physciatrist sent a statement to my doctor confirming that I am bipolar and to start taking additional tablets (I am aleady taking citalopram), which would help to control my moodswings. This tablet is olanzapine/zyprexa and is slowly working to numb my mind to the severity of my often uncontrollable emotions.  

I will also talk open and honestly about my drug and drink usage. I see a councellor for this, who actually helps me to understand why I have made the choices I have made in my life and, how to identify ways to stop the bad habits that I have accumalated as a way of blocking out pain and the continous negative voice in my head. I've seen many councellors since I was 14 and this is the only time I have ever felt able to openly discuss what goes on inside my head. Thats why I am ready to write about it, to share my experiences and to hopefully begin my path to recovering, not just from drugs but more importantly from the continuous abuse I tell myself and demonstrate. The drink and drugs are a part of my life but they are not the only part. They are another small pattern in a web that I am trying to untangle.

As my first entry I find it difficult to summarise who I am and I'd rather allow you to guess as we go along, because I dont really know myself. Who am I? I am a blogger and I am bipolar. This is my story, hope you enjoy the ride.

xxx