"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” Marcus Aurelius
I have been off work now for 4 weeks. I had a breakdown and I am trying, slowly to recover. My mind is a mess and I am unable to deal with my thoughts. At my core, I believe I am a bad person, I search for new ways to beat myself up on a daily basis. I have now started looking at my ex boyfriends facebook page, which has congratulations messages on it as he is going to be a dad, with the girl who took him away from me. It's not that I want him back, I was incredibly unhappy when I was with him and put up with years of his abuse. I beat the girl up when I had found them together, even though we were already over. She didnt deserve it, it shouldn't have happened, but I always thought he'd be mine. Now, I look at her friends who once talked to me and imagine how much they hate me. I torture myself with the idea of how they talk about me, what they would be like if they saw me and how much of a worthless person I am. This all happened 3 years ago, but I still can't get over my attachement to this man and the past that I have come out of. I live in the past, in the pain, in the intense brutality of my beliefs of what people think of me. I am worse bully to myself than anyone will ever be, but I imprint my fears and dislikes of myself onto other people as well. I believe they all hate me, see me as a disgrace and this is the thoughts I feed to myself daily.
I dont know what to do anymore. I sit in a zombied state, watching programmes on TV trying to escape the life I live in, the fear and the pain that is a daily reminder of how much I hate myself. I may not know how other people think of me, but in my head its never good. I was bullied badly in school, by people of all ages, all groups and both sexes. I was told daily of how I was disgusting and learnt quickly that friends didnt always mean trust, love and respect. No one who knows me now, unless they are very close to me know about these years. To them I am loud, confident and outspoken, scared of no one and able to fight my own battles. The biggest battle I need to fight is my own perception of myself, but it seems impossible to do. I cant stand who I am and rocketing between the highs and lows makes it all the harder. Where there is a good day, I know the depression will soon come and I will retreat inside myself to carry on the abuse that others started years ago.
I havent been able to write recently, havent been able to get the strength to write down my thoughts, my hate, my worry. But I need to vent, I'm worried I'm slowly going insane and I hope that unleashing some of my thoughts will help me. Life is a beautiful gift and I know this, but I also find it hard to relish in this joy when I can't bare to be around myself. I need help and I know it needs to come from within. I have to face up to the demons that have held me back for so long. I need to confront the negative thoughts I have in my head daily and learn to let them go, they are only keeping me down. I need most of all, to learn to like myself and give myself as much chance as I give to those around me. Then and only then I may be able to smile from the inside. I live in hope.......
