So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever - 2 Corinthians 4:18
Who is this woman inside of me? This angry, bitter and depressed women that insists on following me around everywhere. Unlike King Midas, where everything he touched turned to gold, everything I touch, turns to crying. I screamed and started crying today.....because I couldn't find my phone. I had been looking for a total of two minutes before screaming at my boyfriend that if the house wasn’t such a mess (my mess), I could find it. I then stormed out crying.
This is my life. Lithium it seems, is not having the desired effect. Neither is the mirtazapene. My psychiatrists answer to this, is of course more tablets. Or a new idea that he has popped onto the table; electro convulsive therapy. In all honesty, I can't say I'm thrilled at the suggestion.......or mildly entertained. Is this really it for the rest of my life? One invasive trial to the next, till my body eventually gives up and my mind, so numb, refuses to cooperate with my existence. THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY. If there isn't, then I can wave goodbye to ever returning to work, to having a social life or to keeping hold of the one man patient enough to stand by me through all of this. I need help and badly. After over 10 years on mood stabilisers and anti depressants (Yes I was 14 when I was first diagnosed with depression......), I am beginning to lose faith in medical opinion of 'making life manageable.'
In relation to this, and please don't judge, I admitted my sins to God last night and asked for his forgiveness and for help. I offered my belief and faith that I would walk my path with him from now on. Now to anyone who knows me, this would be laughable. I am hardly a devout Christian or ever likely to be. I have used drugs and alcohol as freely as priests use bibles. All I know is, whatever paths I have chosen have led me back to extreme unhappiness, or in higher times (mania), extreme stupidity. I am ready for change. I welcome it with open hands and heart. I do not want my life to be like this anymore, I haven't got the energy to fight it.
I will talk now about my opinions and experiences with God and I urge you not to do what I would usually do and either skip this or stare at the words, thinking the girl writing this has finally gone mad. I am equally surprised at my choice to become a Christian. However, I have always believed in God. So much so, that over the years I have frequently prayed to him at night, thanking him for my day and asking for protection and health to my family and I. It always comforts me, no matter what state of mind I am in. As with so many good things, I am unable to keep interest for long as find abusive activities some what more stimulating and when depressed these fit more in with the negative feelings I have of myself.
My sister is friends with two lovely people (Christians) whom she met through her kids and theirs. My sister, who is not a follower of anything, has been much calmer and happier just through the presence of these two people in her life. Approximately two weeks ago, she insisted I come to their house with her and have food. My sister would do anything in her power, as would all my family, to ease the pain I am going through at the moment, so I obliged.
Admittedly these two were wonderful, nice, caring, joyous and unusual to most of my weekend barbecues; there was not a drop of alcohol on site. But there was happiness, talking, great food and an understanding that I got, a peace I felt, which has eluded me for some time. I would challenge anyone to be around them and not be desperate to find out their 'secret'.
They both talked to me (I say talked because they did not preach) about their love of Jesus and how they feel him living in them everyday. They talked of calmness, of moments of drunkenness on God (I'll explain another time) and of being happy because they were following their right path. They then prayed for me and the most amazing thing happened.......I reacted. As their hands were on my head, I began to shake violently. I was crying and shaking so much, but I wasn't scared. When they stopped and I looked up, my jaw was vibrating and I felt, in all honesty, like I'd just had the best ecstasy pill in the world. Only this was purer, cleaner, happier.
Read what you will into it, but this happened to me, my sister and her fiancée saw it too and more importantly than that, I felt it. Thats when I started to be 'converted'. Who wouldn’t be? That feeling was beyond anything I had ever felt and I wanted more of it. These people are good people, they live positive beautiful lives and their 'secret', the belief in Jesus and God. They look and act like my mates, they live in a lovely home and there is no real difference aside from their beliefs and seemingly permanent happiness.
I know that this is a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow, me included. If it hadn't been I would of wrote about it on my last entry and would have openly admitted it to friends. It's a life changing decision, I don't want to treat this like another project that I give up on when my depressive minds kicks in. I want this to not only offer me support through life, but to allow it to guide me to offer the same support to other people in my position.
I do not ask to be cured, I understand now that this might well be the path that was chosen for me and may also be for you. But now we have this, instead of relying on medical trials to get us to live a normal life, lets look towards the reason we're here in the first place, and see if he can give us guidance on living a beautiful life.
I'll keep you updated.
Love always.xxx
