Hello Again.....

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower - Hans Christian Andersen

Its been a hard day. Its actually been a hard year. I haven’t been on here for a long time, at first It was because things got worse, then they got better, then they got toooo good and now I'm back in the land of the depressed. Its a familiar sight, I've been here many times before, sadly that doesn’t mean it gets any easier.


This time around, after a fortnight of mania which resulted in me being sent home from work, is just as horrific as last time. Oh, only this time, they have me on lithium and mirtazapene, after a year of a pharmaceutical cocktail! It is my 13th day on Lithium and I cant say I have yet noticed a significant difference, but I understand these things take time. I am not in the mood right now to analyse my feelings on this 'wonder drug', but I am likely to address this again at a later date.

I wanted to go back to writing this so I can hopefully be documenting my recovery. I am off work now for a considerable amount of time so have decided that this year, I am going to try to gain some control over my life. To be honest, I don't really know where to start. I'm so confused all the time, that its beginning to hurt to think.

The other day, after crying alone in the car for no apparent reason, I decided that my life was similar to that of an orchestra. I am sat down here with lots of knowledge, but there is someone else composing my actions and my life. Its so frustrating to go from being the girl everyone loves being around and the Queen of the Party, to a miserable, paranoid and snappy shadow of my previous self. As for middle ground, I have forgotten what that is, or if it even exists.

I have tried to understand myself a bit more everyday, try to make some sense of why the tidal wave of depression rolls over me and what caused it. Today, just being alive was enough for the feelings of inadequacy and complete and utter misery to wash over me. The thing is, I am happy to be alive, I feel blessed and lucky to have the wonderful family and friends that are in my life. My boyfriend (of almost one year!) is soooo supportive, even when I seem focused on also bringing him down to my depths of despair. But as I try to explain to people who ask me how I can be sad when I have so may good things going for me: "Its not the outside factors that matter, it's my perception of them."

There is always hope and I won't stop fighting, but its exhausting me, I'm 25 years old and I want to enjoy every beautiful moment of life, if I could just let me.....

Love as Always.

x