Free to Dream.....

`I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.' Agatha Christie.

I'm halfway through a binge eating session on sweets, having smoked my way through a beautiful 'plant.' I always get the munchies after smoking, so have demolished a massive pizza and packs of sweets galore. I will feel sick in the morning, and moan about putting on weight. Such is the way of a food lover. My weight has been bothering me recently. I'm not big by any means, but I am 2 sizes bigger than I was two years ago and thats a  depressing and slipperly slope. I can no longer fit into the little hotpants that I used to rave around in, now they wont even go over my arm. I attempted a bootsale in the summer (stupid stupid idea, as am hoarder of everything) and finally let go of my teeny tiny shorts. I sold them for only £1 each and that was to a 17 or 18 year old girl who said they might be too big for her. Life is cruel. 

In my head I have a continuous battle to look better. I hate the image I see in the mirror, but to the outside world no one would guess. I can literally feel the mask of calm and happiness slip on and I slink further and further from my true self, whoever that is. Since I was in my teens I have searched high and low for ways to block out my thoughts, my continuous personal bulling, derived from people who bullied me.

My family have been my one source of constant support and belief and its because of them that I am still here today, learning more and more about how to deal with the world around me. I am lucky, well we all are lucky to be alive,so why do we sometimes resent that so much?

I wish I could walk around and be truly happy, I wouldnt need for much, just at peace with the world. I see myself as a lonely traveller, a bit of a gypsy of the land. But to see me, you wouldnt match that person. I dress in the latest trends, I drink in commercial clubs and bars and I can do a houseparty weekended marathon with a truly amazing collection of drink and drugs. But I crave the peace now. Reconnecting with whats really important in life, being loved and living within my means with people I love. It  is following your heart not your head. It is being free and I am trying to get closer to that side of my personality. She comes out every now and again, when the mask slips, but I am her in private and with my kind of partner (more about him another time, it'll take a while, a beautiful while though) I am free to dream, and dream I do.

Goodnight.

xxx

Being up, Being down and the Bit inbetween......

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle - Albert Einstein

Somedays I wake up proud to be a part of this world, brimming full of energy, 'a positive step in the right direction,' I think to myself. But soon, the fall will come, the fear, the pain and the need to sink away from my surroundings. I attack myself, then I love myself, I live in fear, then I live in hope. My battle is a personal one, but in science, they call it Bipolar. This is me, my journey, being up, being down and the bit inbetween.

This blog is an aid to my life, it is a place to come to let my thoughts have an outlet. I want this to be freeflowing like my mind, no particular order as I cant seem to focus long enough to make this methodical. It will be me, through every experience and the thoughts I feel when I'm living my life.

I'm 24 and have been dealing with Bipolar and depression since I was 14. My councellors and doctors had mentioned that my symptoms were that of a bipolar person, but about a month ago, a physciatrist sent a statement to my doctor confirming that I am bipolar and to start taking additional tablets (I am aleady taking citalopram), which would help to control my moodswings. This tablet is olanzapine/zyprexa and is slowly working to numb my mind to the severity of my often uncontrollable emotions.  

I will also talk open and honestly about my drug and drink usage. I see a councellor for this, who actually helps me to understand why I have made the choices I have made in my life and, how to identify ways to stop the bad habits that I have accumalated as a way of blocking out pain and the continous negative voice in my head. I've seen many councellors since I was 14 and this is the only time I have ever felt able to openly discuss what goes on inside my head. Thats why I am ready to write about it, to share my experiences and to hopefully begin my path to recovering, not just from drugs but more importantly from the continuous abuse I tell myself and demonstrate. The drink and drugs are a part of my life but they are not the only part. They are another small pattern in a web that I am trying to untangle.

As my first entry I find it difficult to summarise who I am and I'd rather allow you to guess as we go along, because I dont really know myself. Who am I? I am a blogger and I am bipolar. This is my story, hope you enjoy the ride.

xxx