Blog Still Lives On

I have continued my blog on a seperate page that is in my profile. I am still writing about my every day experiences only I describe how my faith is now having an effect on what has been the worst depression I have ever experienced. I urge you to read it, even if you don't currently believe in God. You may learn that sometimes the enemy within can be overcome, especially when we are willing to open our minds and hearts.

Love Always.x

Drunk on The Lord.....

“Eat, mates, and drink, and be drunk, brothers and sisters!(Song of Sol. 5:1, Septuagint).

Last night I got drunk on God. Seriously drunk. This in the world I have always lived in, is seemingly impossible. Or so I thought.

A couple of weeks ago I met more believers at a gathering in one of their homes. Again, they prayed for me to allow the affliction of my mind to heal and for me to find happiness. Again, the shaking and crying. Again, the wonderful home and kind happy faces delighted me. Following this, I have had a rough couple of weeks, my medication has kept me betweem a mix of sedation and anger and this hasn't been helped by the weight gain that goes hand in hand with many bipolar medications.

In these low moments, I forgot about my belief in something better, angry almost that I had let myself get carried away with another belief system. But, something in me had changed. These lows were different, they had a lining, a presence that I hadnt been aware of before. The lows were bad, but I almost knew that they wouldn't go any lower, that they were slowly but surely rising from the depths of despair. 

I stopped reading the Bible (decided to have a go at it to deepen my understanding) as all I felt was confusion and felt that the challenge a new faith posed to me, was too big a wall to climb. But I was still thirsty. Thirsty for more of that feeling that I felt and also, I felt like because I had acknowledged my love for Jesus, he would understand that some weeks were going to be diffficult for me to pay as much attention as I maybe should.

So, last night I went to my sisters friends house again, a gathering of wonderful people, who my heart has already found a place for, and I felt the presence again. I talked with a man who had turned to God after years of partying and depression and was now at peace with who he was. This man, both looked and talked like one of my many friends, who I would party with on a regular basis. In another circumstance, we could of been downing vodka and getting wrecked! But he made me realise that we chase the elation of illegal substances for our highs, where he has now swapped his for the highs of God. I guess it's cheaper at least.....

By far the most enchanting and inspiring part of the evening, was the music. We sat together as a group in their living room, this young man I met playing a guitar as if from heaven itself, drums, flutes, magical voices all captivated my senses and swept me up into the realm of the truly blissful. I was well and truly off my rocker. I was in love, in awe, in a deeply mesmerised state of being and I could feel love flowing through everyone in the room and through myself. It was intoxicating and highly addictive!! I was drunk! But more than that, I was in love.

When I left and returned home to my boyfriend, I floated through the door and had great pleasure telling him of my adventures. As a total non believer and party animal, my boyfriend took one look at me and advised he too would be coming to the next gathering!

I understand that the love of God is more than just having a great time `getting high', but when you experience this, the thirst for more knowledge and understanding is increased and your faith deepened in your soul. I am a child of God and I am ecstatic about it!

As for the bipolar, today has been wonderful..................

Love always

xxx

A Call Of Faith

So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever - 2 Corinthians 4:18

Who is this woman inside of me? This angry, bitter and depressed women that insists on following me around everywhere. Unlike King Midas, where everything he touched turned to gold, everything I touch, turns to crying. I screamed and started crying today.....because I couldn't find my phone. I had been looking for a total of two minutes before screaming at my boyfriend that if the house wasn’t such a mess (my mess), I could find it. I then stormed out crying.


This is my life. Lithium it seems, is not having the desired effect. Neither is the mirtazapene. My psychiatrists answer to this, is of course more tablets. Or a new idea that he has popped onto the table; electro convulsive therapy. In all honesty, I can't say I'm thrilled at the suggestion.......or mildly entertained. Is this really it for the rest of my life? One invasive trial to the next, till my body eventually gives up and my mind, so numb, refuses to cooperate with my existence. THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY. If there isn't, then I can wave goodbye to ever returning to work, to having a social life or to keeping hold of the one man patient enough to stand by me through all of this. I need help and badly. After over 10 years on mood stabilisers and anti depressants (Yes I was 14 when I was first diagnosed with depression......), I am beginning to lose faith in medical opinion of 'making life manageable.'


In relation to this, and please don't judge, I admitted my sins to God last night and asked for his forgiveness and for help. I offered my belief and faith that I would walk my path with him from now on. Now to anyone who knows me, this would be laughable. I am hardly a devout Christian or ever likely to be. I have used drugs and alcohol as freely as priests use bibles. All I know is, whatever paths I have chosen have led me back to extreme unhappiness, or in higher times (mania), extreme stupidity. I am ready for change. I welcome it with open hands and heart. I do not want my life to be like this anymore, I haven't got the energy to fight it.


I will talk now about my opinions and experiences with God and I urge you not to do what I would usually do and either skip this or stare at the words, thinking the girl writing this has finally gone mad. I am equally surprised at my choice to become a Christian. However, I have always believed in God. So much so, that over the years I have frequently prayed to him at night, thanking him for my day and asking for protection and health to my family and I. It always comforts me, no matter what state of mind I am in. As with so many good things, I am unable to keep interest for long as find abusive activities some what more stimulating and when depressed these fit more in with the negative feelings I have of myself.


My sister is friends with two lovely people (Christians) whom she met through her kids and theirs. My sister, who is not a follower of anything, has been much calmer and happier just through the presence of these two people in her life. Approximately two weeks ago, she insisted I come to their house with her and have food. My sister would do anything in her power, as would all my family, to ease the pain I am going through at the moment, so I obliged.


Admittedly these two were wonderful, nice, caring, joyous and unusual to most of my weekend barbecues; there was not a drop of alcohol on site. But there was happiness, talking, great food and an understanding that I got, a peace I felt, which has eluded me for some time. I would challenge anyone to be around them and not be desperate to find out their 'secret'.


They both talked to me (I say talked because they did not preach) about their love of Jesus and how they feel him living in them everyday. They talked of calmness, of moments of drunkenness on God (I'll explain another time) and of being happy because they were following their right path. They then prayed for me and the most amazing thing happened.......I reacted. As their hands were on my head, I began to shake violently. I was crying and shaking so much, but I wasn't scared. When they stopped and I looked up, my jaw was vibrating and I felt, in all honesty, like I'd just had the best ecstasy pill in the world. Only this was purer, cleaner, happier.


Read what you will into it, but this happened to me, my sister and her fiancée saw it too and more importantly than that, I felt it. Thats when I started to be 'converted'. Who wouldn’t be? That feeling was beyond anything I had ever felt and I wanted more of it. These people are good people, they live positive beautiful lives and their 'secret', the belief in Jesus and God. They look and act like my mates, they live in a lovely home and there is no real difference aside from their beliefs and seemingly permanent happiness.


I know that this is a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow, me included. If it hadn't been I would of wrote about it on my last entry and would have openly admitted it to friends. It's a life changing decision, I don't want to treat this like another project that I give up on when my depressive minds kicks in. I want this to not only offer me support through life, but to allow it to guide me to offer the same support to other people in my position.


I do not ask to be cured, I understand now that this might well be the path that was chosen for me and may also be for you. But now we have this, instead of relying on medical trials to get us to live a normal life, lets look towards the reason we're here in the first place, and see if he can give us guidance on living a beautiful life.


I'll keep you updated.


Love always.xxx

Hello Again.....

Just living is not enough. One must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower - Hans Christian Andersen

Its been a hard day. Its actually been a hard year. I haven’t been on here for a long time, at first It was because things got worse, then they got better, then they got toooo good and now I'm back in the land of the depressed. Its a familiar sight, I've been here many times before, sadly that doesn’t mean it gets any easier.


This time around, after a fortnight of mania which resulted in me being sent home from work, is just as horrific as last time. Oh, only this time, they have me on lithium and mirtazapene, after a year of a pharmaceutical cocktail! It is my 13th day on Lithium and I cant say I have yet noticed a significant difference, but I understand these things take time. I am not in the mood right now to analyse my feelings on this 'wonder drug', but I am likely to address this again at a later date.

I wanted to go back to writing this so I can hopefully be documenting my recovery. I am off work now for a considerable amount of time so have decided that this year, I am going to try to gain some control over my life. To be honest, I don't really know where to start. I'm so confused all the time, that its beginning to hurt to think.

The other day, after crying alone in the car for no apparent reason, I decided that my life was similar to that of an orchestra. I am sat down here with lots of knowledge, but there is someone else composing my actions and my life. Its so frustrating to go from being the girl everyone loves being around and the Queen of the Party, to a miserable, paranoid and snappy shadow of my previous self. As for middle ground, I have forgotten what that is, or if it even exists.

I have tried to understand myself a bit more everyday, try to make some sense of why the tidal wave of depression rolls over me and what caused it. Today, just being alive was enough for the feelings of inadequacy and complete and utter misery to wash over me. The thing is, I am happy to be alive, I feel blessed and lucky to have the wonderful family and friends that are in my life. My boyfriend (of almost one year!) is soooo supportive, even when I seem focused on also bringing him down to my depths of despair. But as I try to explain to people who ask me how I can be sad when I have so may good things going for me: "Its not the outside factors that matter, it's my perception of them."

There is always hope and I won't stop fighting, but its exhausting me, I'm 25 years old and I want to enjoy every beautiful moment of life, if I could just let me.....

Love as Always.

x

Dealing with the pain

"If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but to your own estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” Marcus Aurelius


I have been off work now for 4 weeks. I had a breakdown and I am trying, slowly to recover. My mind is a mess and I am unable to deal with my thoughts. At my core, I believe I am a bad person, I search for new ways to beat myself up on a daily basis. I have now started looking at my ex boyfriends facebook page, which has congratulations messages on it as he is going to be a dad, with the girl who took him away from me. It's not that I want him back, I was incredibly unhappy when I was with him and put up with years of his abuse. I beat the girl up when I had found them together, even though we were already over. She didnt deserve it, it shouldn't have happened, but I always thought he'd be mine. Now, I look at her friends who once talked to me and imagine how much they hate me. I torture myself with the idea of how they talk about me, what they would be like if they saw me and how much of a worthless person I am. This all happened 3 years ago, but I still can't get over my attachement to this man and the past that I have come out of. I live in the past, in the pain, in the intense brutality of my beliefs of what people think of me. I am worse bully to myself than anyone will ever be, but I imprint my fears and dislikes of myself onto other people as well. I believe they all hate me, see me as a disgrace and this is the thoughts I feed to myself daily.


I dont know what to do anymore. I sit in a zombied state, watching programmes on TV trying to escape the life I live in, the fear and the pain that is a daily reminder of how much I hate myself. I may not know how other people think of me, but in my head its never good. I was bullied badly in school, by people of all ages, all groups and both sexes. I was told daily of how I was disgusting and learnt quickly that friends didnt always mean trust, love and respect. No one who knows me now, unless they are very close to me know about these years. To them I am loud, confident and outspoken, scared of no one and able to fight my own battles. The biggest battle I need to fight is my own perception of myself, but it seems impossible to do. I cant stand who I am and rocketing between the highs and lows makes it all the harder. Where there is a good day, I know the depression will soon come and I will retreat inside myself to carry on the abuse that others started years ago.


I havent been able to write recently, havent been able to get the strength to write down my thoughts, my hate, my worry. But I need to vent, I'm worried I'm slowly going insane and I hope that unleashing some of my thoughts will help me. Life is a beautiful gift and I know this, but I also find it hard to relish in this joy when I can't bare to be around myself. I need help and I know it needs to come from within. I have to face up to the demons that have held me back for so long. I need to confront the negative thoughts I have in my head daily and learn to let them go, they are only keeping me down. I need most of all, to learn to like myself and give myself as much chance as I give to those around me. Then and only then I may be able to smile from the inside. I live in hope.......

I'm still here........somewhere.

“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson

I have been in what my councillor calls the 'planning' stage of my life since I was 14. I write list after list of what I want to do, even down to the apparently helpful small steps of these goals as many a self help book has claimed to make this method productive. However, this does not work for me. It seems I am scared of the action stage. You can already see evidence of this, as it has taken me a further two weeks to write another entry. Not because I havent had time, I have more than enough of this, but because something in me tells me to hold off, to wait till the right moment, the moment that never comes. I lull myself into a false sense of success and motivation by dreaming daily of all I want to achieve and even writing fully detailed lists. But that is how the dreams remain, as lists on piles of paper.

I am moving in on my own in a couple of weeks and I am putting all my eggs into this basket, believing that when I move I will start keeping fit, cooking a la nigella and being a committed blogger, sharing my experiences of what has become my way of coping with life. I am hoping, hoping through to my core that this is true and I will finally have a sanctuary to allow my dreams to become possible. What are they you may ask, well they, the dreams, are constantly changing. I just want to do anything and everything, to truly understand the meaning of living instead of hiding behind drink and drugs and work. It will by no means be easy, but if it stops the continous planning and not actioning then I'm in.

I plan my life detail by detail, the colour that  my new teatowels will be, the organic farm I will order my food from and millions of other little details. My dreams take me away from my reality, a place I have never really felt comfortable in. A place that is full of uncertainty and pain, mainly from the negative voices that echo around my mind. I dont know how to really be, to just look and smell the flowers and be happy with my lot, but I do imagine what that would be like. I crave the peace and tranquility of being happy and at ease with myself.

I will be back again soon. My concentration has waned again and I am craving something sweet to eat. Ahhh, theres always tommorrow to start the diet. Isnt there?

Love always.xxx

Free to Dream.....

`I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.' Agatha Christie.

I'm halfway through a binge eating session on sweets, having smoked my way through a beautiful 'plant.' I always get the munchies after smoking, so have demolished a massive pizza and packs of sweets galore. I will feel sick in the morning, and moan about putting on weight. Such is the way of a food lover. My weight has been bothering me recently. I'm not big by any means, but I am 2 sizes bigger than I was two years ago and thats a  depressing and slipperly slope. I can no longer fit into the little hotpants that I used to rave around in, now they wont even go over my arm. I attempted a bootsale in the summer (stupid stupid idea, as am hoarder of everything) and finally let go of my teeny tiny shorts. I sold them for only £1 each and that was to a 17 or 18 year old girl who said they might be too big for her. Life is cruel. 

In my head I have a continuous battle to look better. I hate the image I see in the mirror, but to the outside world no one would guess. I can literally feel the mask of calm and happiness slip on and I slink further and further from my true self, whoever that is. Since I was in my teens I have searched high and low for ways to block out my thoughts, my continuous personal bulling, derived from people who bullied me.

My family have been my one source of constant support and belief and its because of them that I am still here today, learning more and more about how to deal with the world around me. I am lucky, well we all are lucky to be alive,so why do we sometimes resent that so much?

I wish I could walk around and be truly happy, I wouldnt need for much, just at peace with the world. I see myself as a lonely traveller, a bit of a gypsy of the land. But to see me, you wouldnt match that person. I dress in the latest trends, I drink in commercial clubs and bars and I can do a houseparty weekended marathon with a truly amazing collection of drink and drugs. But I crave the peace now. Reconnecting with whats really important in life, being loved and living within my means with people I love. It  is following your heart not your head. It is being free and I am trying to get closer to that side of my personality. She comes out every now and again, when the mask slips, but I am her in private and with my kind of partner (more about him another time, it'll take a while, a beautiful while though) I am free to dream, and dream I do.

Goodnight.

xxx