“The greatest barrier to success is the fear of failure.” Sven Goran Eriksson
I have been in what my councillor calls the 'planning' stage of my life since I was 14. I write list after list of what I want to do, even down to the apparently helpful small steps of these goals as many a self help book has claimed to make this method productive. However, this does not work for me. It seems I am scared of the action stage. You can already see evidence of this, as it has taken me a further two weeks to write another entry. Not because I havent had time, I have more than enough of this, but because something in me tells me to hold off, to wait till the right moment, the moment that never comes. I lull myself into a false sense of success and motivation by dreaming daily of all I want to achieve and even writing fully detailed lists. But that is how the dreams remain, as lists on piles of paper.
I am moving in on my own in a couple of weeks and I am putting all my eggs into this basket, believing that when I move I will start keeping fit, cooking a la nigella and being a committed blogger, sharing my experiences of what has become my way of coping with life. I am hoping, hoping through to my core that this is true and I will finally have a sanctuary to allow my dreams to become possible. What are they you may ask, well they, the dreams, are constantly changing. I just want to do anything and everything, to truly understand the meaning of living instead of hiding behind drink and drugs and work. It will by no means be easy, but if it stops the continous planning and not actioning then I'm in.
I plan my life detail by detail, the colour that my new teatowels will be, the organic farm I will order my food from and millions of other little details. My dreams take me away from my reality, a place I have never really felt comfortable in. A place that is full of uncertainty and pain, mainly from the negative voices that echo around my mind. I dont know how to really be, to just look and smell the flowers and be happy with my lot, but I do imagine what that would be like. I crave the peace and tranquility of being happy and at ease with myself.
I will be back again soon. My concentration has waned again and I am craving something sweet to eat. Ahhh, theres always tommorrow to start the diet. Isnt there?
Love always.xxx
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